Reflections at Sunset

On Rebuilding

I love cruising. Especially with my large sunroof open, and the ability to stick my hand out and feel the cool wind against it. Especially at sunset to see the colorful evolution of time painted onto the sky then dotted with glittering stars. I even sacrifice my curled hair and let it become a tangled mess just to feel the breeze. Musts for my car is that there must always be a sunroof, which I like to call a moon roof because it’s perfect for moon and stargazing. There I sat being passenger princess staring up at the palm trees in my beautiful city as the moody clouds inhabited the sky.

The sunset felt beautiful, but the sky was temperamental. It reflected my grief back at me. Reminding me that in the cloudiness of my grief there’s beauty too. We drove to the house we’re rebuilding after the fire, then drove around for our next event. On our way, we witnessed the loss and devastation, a whole new side of the city we hadn’t visited, and felt hope in the number of people rebuilding too. And then sadness at the astonishing amount of people who have not. I tried to shield myself from the feelings of loss and again saw myself reflected. I thought, I’m rebuilding myself anew too. And I felt hope, optimism, even excitement instead. It meant a new adventure was unfolding.

I saw a translated quote on Threads last night stating that there is a Divine guarantee that every difficulty is temporary and that ease and blessings always follow close behind any struggle. Beautiful, right?

The night before last, I walked my brother and his girlfriend out to the car. I had the mental thought again that the Tesla sounds like a spaceship. Though, do I really know what a spaceship sounds like? Oh yeah, I know it from movies. I did the sign of the cross as they drove away. It was just a reaction, like on autopilot. I didn’t even think, I just did it. And immediately started sobbing. My Abuelita did that every time we left, growing up. She’d give us the “Bendicion” or blessing, asking God to bless us. There’s nothing else quite like a grandmother’s blessing. I’d do that gesture instinctively my whole life to the people I love the most. I started crying after I did it, because that was all her, living within me. And how incredible it is that some things can never be lost.

I write a lot about rebuilding, making yourself better, evolving because I have always had two parts of me fighting. The ego side, that’s the high achieving personality that I have the hardest time changing. It’s written in my stars! I’m a Capricorn after all. I just love working and getting things done. I like success. You get all that by being professional, reserved, and by being a boss… something I feel I’ve mastered. But is it my true self? Is it in alignment with my true self?

Then I have the yogi soulful side of me who has spent years studying all sorts of ancient texts, secrets of the universe, taking reiki classes, becoming a certified yoga instructor, meditating, manifesting, being a sparkly magical magnet for miracles who sees the world as sparkly and magical too.

Photo by Raspopova Marina on Unsplash

Both sides of me love travel, nature, freedom, and creation. One side wins, most often. And it’s not the side I think should win. But I let optics, society, and mass media win too. And that hasn’t worked for me. I want to be in alignment with my truest self all the time. I want to be the part of me that is balanced and in flow, and all the other lovely things I want. I know what I want deep down at my core, and I’ve been doing a pretty fantastic job at it lately, but I let myself get distracted by the other opportunities. Not all that glitters is treasure, and all that. And yet, I don’t want to lose that part of me. I love her, and I’ve worked hard to be her. And she’s great.

What can I tell you about rebuilding after loss? That it gets easier. That it’s beautiful for you to have loved something that made its absence mean something to you. That memories become cherished. That what you value becomes clearer. And I think you get a little closer to the you, you were created to be.

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The Summer Living List

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